Christmas is a time when anxiety can visit me big-time. I've grown up in an era and social context where expectations around gender-roles, food, gifting, decor, and generally being jolly - are huge.
But this year is different. The challenges of Christmas seem insignificant against the enormity of the climate and ecological crisis that is staring us in the face. Thoughts of what this is likely to mean for my grandaughter and her generation can threaten to cripple me. And of course, I know that people of all ages are already suffering from displacement, food shortages, health problems.
Anxiety is a contracted state of mind, rooted in our fight/flight/freeze biology , which narrows our focus on to one thing - how to escape imminent danger, this moment, now. It stops us from wasting time and energy on thinking about anything else.
My Christmas anxiety is rooted, not in the perception of immediate physical danger, but in an irrational but potent fear of rejection - by “the tribe”, significant or powerful "others". It is cloaked by a fear of disappointing others. What if I don't come up with an appropriate gift - look like I've not been generous enough with time, money, or imagination? What if there's not enough food? (Crazy - the fridge is literally bulging!)
Eco-anxiety similarly contracts the mind, but it is not entirely irrational. But it's hard to balance the appearance, mostly of "business as usual" on the planet, (at least where I am now, in wealthy-ish Gloucestershire), with the solid scientific knowledge that the earth's life systems are already disintegrating. If I'm not careful, I can cycle between highly driven activism, and rank denial ( because at times it's just too much to hold in mind). I need a middle ground.
So at this point where I find myself in history, I'm enormously grateful to have learnt the practice of mindfulness. Whether I'm sitting on a cushion or walking in the woods tuning into the sound of the wind and leaves rustling, it's a practice that activates parts of the brain (e.g. the insula) that generate an experience of timelessness. In those moments, I get a felt-sense of spaciousness, the drivenness begins to evaporate, and there's a possiblity for wisdom and creativity to emerge. Here also, there is the possibility of acceptance (rather than denial) of even the direst of scenarios. This is freeing, because it takes a lot of energy to keep pushing away what’s unwanted but real, and it is futile. The new-found spaciousness also allows the imagination to conjure creative solutions, moment by moment, and to make wiser plans for my own benefit and that of my friends, my family and the planet.